Small Things Done Often: Don’t Wait Until Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is a great reminder and opportunity to turn towards your partner and your relationship, to share fondness and admiration, and to rekindle the flames of romance and passion in your relationship. However, if you wait until Valentine’s Day to do so, it may be too late. It is the small, positive things done often that make the difference, not the grand gestures. 

Dr. John Gottman’s more than 40 years of research with over 3,000 couples demonstrate the importance of turning toward each other in a relationship. In a six-year follow-up of newlyweds, he found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids for connection an average of 86 percent of the time in their Love Lab conversations, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. Furthermore, most of the arguments between couples in both groups were not about specific topics, like money or sex, but resulted from failed bids for communication.

There is a reason that seemingly small interactions are fundamental to a relationship’s future: each time couples turn toward each other, they are funding what we call their “emotional bank account.” They are putting goodwill in their relationship and building up savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored up an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times. 

The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these micro-interactions are, not only to your marriage’s trust level, but to its ongoing sense of romance. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other on a daily basis will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a romantic dinner or a two-week Bahamas getaway. A romantic outing

only turns up the heat if you have kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways. I am sure that it has never happened to you in your relationship. Still, you have probably seen other couples at a romantic dinner who are not talking or connecting with each other because they don’t know how to do so because they haven’t been doing it in the little ways.

Valentine’s Day is also a great opportunity to share fondness and admiration and to remember why we chose this person as our partner in the first place. All too often in long-term intimate relationships, we neglect to nurture and express our fondness and admiration for our partner. 

However, don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to do to share fondness and admiration. I suggest that you start remembering and sharing fondness and admiration daily by at least the beginning of February. 

Fortunately, it is not terribly difficult to revive or increase the fondness and admiration in a relationship. Even positive feelings that have been buried for a long time can be brought into the light simply by thinking or talking about them. You can do this by thinking about your partner and what you appreciate about him or her daily. Try to come up with three or four positive adjectives that describe your partner and what you like or appreciate about him or her. Then come up with a concrete example of each, i.e. a time when your partner demonstrated this quality. Then share this with your partner. Perhaps you can share one appreciation with your partner daily in a brief conversation, a note, and/or a text message. 

If you are having difficulty accessing fondness and admiration for your partner in the moment, it might help to think about what first attracted you to your partner and the larger history of your relationship. What were your first impressions of each other? When and how did you realize that you were attracted to your partner? What do you remember about the time that you were dating? What stands out? If you are married, how did you decide to get married? What do you remember about your wedding and honeymoon? What have been some of the best times in your marriage or relationship?

Despite the difficulties, what has kept you together? Thinking about and discussing questions like these can help you revive and increase the fondness and admiration in your marriage or relationship.

So, this year, don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to turn toward each other and share fondness and admiration. Start doing it now, daily, in the micro-interactions of your relationship. Remember, it is small things done often that make the difference. If you start now, you are more likely to have a more romantic and passionate Valentine’s Day and relationship.

Michael Brown is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Gottman Therapist, Couples Workshop Leader, and Clinical Trainer in private practice in Bartram Park. He is currently offering both in-office and secure video appointments. If you are interested in couples therapy, please contact Michael at 904-289-2954 or visit www.happycoupleshealthycommunities.com